I don't want to see you. The fact that you are insensitive just clashes with my hyper sensitivity. I still sometimes get the blues trying to understand how we could be so different from each other when there is the unspoken language that only both of us understand to bind us. I still don't get it. And on some honest jaded days, I get to contemplate that maybe I won't ever will. Just as you won't ever understand why nothing is ever good enough for you.

What am I to you?

I simply refuse to believe that one would just forget about the existence of something supposedly important in one's life and then after a gulf of oblivion, one suddenly remembers. What do you want from me, this time? I cannot bleed for your wounds and be discarded like trash the moment you feel better. Time and time again. I'm sorry but unlike you, I have trouble getting over something I've invested my heart into.

So. no. Don't come. I don't want to see you. Live your life now like I am living mine. I am happy for you and I truly hope you will find contentment this time. Don't go running after the wind hoping to come to a full stop.

I hate you for making me wish that it was I who made the difference.

if you walk away
then I'll walk away too
i wont remain
if you should ever decide
to part
I will not settle
I will not doubt
walk away and then you'll see

forget
and i shall remember nothing
throw away
and I will not deter
Ignore
and I shall burn
ever ounce of fiber
every string of anything
nothing remains
all is absolute

do not
for a moment
think that you own me
for although thoughts of you
are etched in my mind
your name branded on my skin
i can just as easily shake you off

I will scrape my body if i have to
i will have my wings clipped
i will grow them back
and surely
i can grow myself new skin

so don't you dare
think you can ignore me
that i am at your disposal
for you are a typical fool
and a blissful ignorant
at that

you don't threaten me
for I have already
died a dreamer's death
and for whatever that still binds us now
it can be easily broken

          and remorse?

                    it died along with me
                       when i first bled
                              for you


djf
09/22/08
08:56pm

*picture NOT mine.

How do you comfort someone who is going through pain you can only dare to imagine? How do you answer questions you yourself have asked for a lifetime? How do you make someone understand a logic braced by faith when logic alone doesn't make sense? How can you shelter a heart that's selflessly dying to save others from pain?

There are times when the mind and the heart goes hand in hand. But when circumstances dives to extreme and the heart drops to the abyss of grief, the mind tries to make sense of what is mad and in attempt to hold reason together, it snaps and you'd be amazed at how fast a human's defense mechanism takes over. Overnight, a new man emerges and you gasp in blatant disbelief on how both extreme personalities could possibly co-exist in one body.

I know he's still in there. Deep down, probably tired and weary, resting along with the questions that deafens and are left unanswered. I believe that with enough patience, prayers and constant love, I will get to see the blessed day he'll come back again.

When words of comfort and promises of understanding and love fall to deaf ears, what do you do? When nothing is good enough and things doesn't make sense, how will you live? When madness reigns, turning friends to enemies, sending paranoia to hunt you down, how do you go back to who you once were?

How do you forget a memory too big a milestone, it killed everything that's good? How do you start being a person after the soul's died? How do you suppose to know love after love's fled away.

What's left is a hallow and tired shell of a tragic yesterday. The broken and dry image of what once was is a bitter reflection of how dreams are when they die. Blind and senseless eyes stare back in mocking desperation. Perhaps, a remembrance of a distant longing of a distant life.

Can you still remember how the world stopped when I told you ours was of dreams broken people hope to embrace?

You said, "I know." in that confident tone you only use when talking with me.

I trusted that you knew. I thought that you knew. I even believed that you knew.

But you didn't, did you?

No, you never did. Because how can you ask me to not love you when you know from there springs the hope and happiness of my soul?

Would you rather rob me of my Eden, where sanity is one with madness and chaos fiddles melody that only you and me understand? Why would you silence the language that understands beyond unspoken words and reticent laughters? Why would you opt for blinding greys than iridescent burst of colors?

But despite the pretentions and the stolen longings for freedom, I also saw some truths in you and you always did make my soul happy and secure...even with your coated lies of pregnant hopes and unsolicited dreams.

I could not hate you even if I wanted to. I just miss you so much. I'm lost without your friendship. I am forgetting all the pain and the hate.

I realized that the only way for me to be truly happy and free is to remember you at your best - when you loved me with all your heart.

And because I love you, I wil let you go. Go to where tragic souls of lovers denied bathe in an eternity of dreams. Go to where radiance serenade the cherry moon while time dances with hope. Go to where love is never forgotten, preserved at her best in blissful memories, both of vivid yesterdays and of ones that never were.